


Painless/Painful

by okemmelie



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Gen, emma isn't there for long but she does show up and he thinks about her a lot, idk it's just sad boi infected paul hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okemmelie/pseuds/okemmelie
Summary: Paul is not someone who wants until he is
Relationships: Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins
Comments: 13
Kudos: 41





	Painless/Painful

**Author's Note:**

> it's i love paul matthews o'clock. someone get this boy a hug!

It is a painless pursuit, that of the man who wants nothing.

It’s not that Paul has  _ never  _ wanted. He was young once. Young and hopeful and full of desire. He watched others want and he watched others chase and he watched others get. He watched them get and get and get and get and get. And Paul could want and Paul could chase and Paul could watch all he wanted. It was the getting that was the hard part, the part he never quite figured out.

He wanted good grades, so he studied and studied and studied, and then he got his grades and they were fine but they weren’t good. He wanted friends, so he tried; to be social, to be normal, to fit in. But he always spoke just a bit too much or about something just a bit too obscure, and he found making friends and connecting with his peers just a bit too difficult. Being Paul was just a bit too difficult.

But he grew up and he adapted and he learned to be fine with not wanting. Because that was where his issue was, he was sure of it. He wanted too much and that was clearly not viable, so if he just stopped wanting, he’d be happier. And while it didn’t quite work and he never quite made it to happy, at least he’d cut himself off from the chase and the failure and that had to count for something.

It had to.

When Paul finds himself wanting again, he’s terrified. He’s not terrified  _ because _ he wants, but he’s terrified nonetheless.

There’s a pretty girl on the ground with him and she’s asking if she can kiss him and he says yes. Because he wants to kiss her. Because he wants  _ her _ . He leans in until he can feel her shaky breath on his lips and he keeps leaning in until he can feel her blood on his face.

And it’s a cruel reminder, but it’s a reminder nonetheless. So when she asks him to get back on in there, he says no. Not because he doesn’t want to kiss her. He does. But it doesn’t matter what he wants, because the world is ending and if he doesn’t put a stop to that, who will?

The old Starlight Theater is not a place Paul thought he’d ever go willingly. He doesn’t know if he necessarily wants to be here, but he’s here and he has no desire to turn back. Or well, he does. But he can’t listen to that. He has to move forward.

Seeing his old friends and acquaintances, his old  _ boss _ , is strange. Once alive, once dead, now something entirely else. It’s eerie and Paul doesn’t like it. Paul doesn’t want to end up like them. He doesn’t want anyone to end up like them and so, he has to put an end to them or it’ll be too late and no one will.

They start singing. Of course they start singing. It’s uncomfortable and it’s wrong and Paul wants to run, but he doesn’t. He stays. He takes a deep breath. That’s his first mistake.

A ‘ _ never!’ _ leaves his lips and it’s not as reluctant as he wants it to be. He wants to control his own body, but it seems his body has other plans and fighting for control is a difficult thing. But at least Paul has always known that and at least he’s always won.

In a moment where he does have control, he makes a decision to get it over with, to take that final step towards what he came here for. He pulls the pin.

It's strange, really, being a passenger in your own body. Feeling it move, seeing what it sees, hearing it speak with your voice, but never quite being able to influence what it does.

Paul quickly grows to dread it, because his body wants to sing. It wants to sing and dance and participate in whatever plan it is that the hive is plotting. Sometimes, it even sings to him, those familiar words from back when it first started.

“What do you want, Paul?” It’s strange, coming from his own lips. Are they even his own lips anymore? He feels them curl into a smile, but it’s more creepy than it is comforting.

He doesn’t answer it, doesn’t allow it the satisfaction. It eventually moves on; does other things, sings other songs. And Paul doesn’t like it, but he lives with it.

His second mistake is regretting.

He regrets letting go of life without chasing after what he wants. And sure, he hasn’t wanted for a long, long while. But he wanted Emma.  _ Wants  _ Emma. It’s not hard for him to regret not kissing her. It wouldn't have changed anything and if it had, he’s sure it wouldn’t have changed much. But at least he would have had that.

His body smiles again. It makes eye contact with Professor Hidgens’ body from across the room. The Professor’s body smiles back and just like that, all the infected start moving. Start getting up. They’re moving. Towards something, somewhere.

No. Not something. Someone.

Emma.

It is a painful pursuit, that of the man who wants something.


End file.
